You can influence how you feel. As Derek Sivers writes, “You choose your reaction. Not the first one, but the next.” When you learn to pause, even just for a few seconds, you can influence how you behave after your first reaction. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Your thoughts lead to feelings, and your feelings lead to thoughts. 

If you choose to feel proud when you save money, you will feel shame when you spend it. Needing to deal with an unexpected fee may stir up a strong emotion that disrupts the rest of your morning or afternoon. 

It works the other way around, too. If you choose to feel proud to spend money, then you will feel shame when you save it. Buying into the values of luxury goods and entertainment is a good example of this kind of thinking. You may feel inferior, thinking that you’re depriving yourself of the joy of spending.

Perhaps shame can be useful for encouraging you to pause before you spend impulsively. Still, it’s at best a scaffold—you can learn to pause without forcing yourself with shame—and at worst very plausibly a driver of impulsive behavior. Shame feels horrible, and it drives people to react in ironic ways; if you shame yourself about spending, you might want to buy something just to feel a bit better before shaming yourself again. 

A few weeks ago, after I wrote about maladaptive frugality, I came across an idea that really resonated with me: framing money with morality is likely to lead to issues.

Be clear, intentional, and analytical about what the money can do for you. Can it take you closer to your goals? Is it useful for you? Do you need to spend it? This is a key step—maybe the first one—in adaptive frugality.