The story of The Courage to Be Disliked is told mostly in dialogue, between a student and a philosopher. Spoiler alert: While the student starts off opposing the philosopher, hellbent on proving the philosopher and their school of thinking—Adlerian psychology—wrong, he starts to come around.
By the end of the book, the student’s intention has shifted away from being right, and towards making meaning of his own life. The philosopher has led the student to the water; it’s up to the student to drink now. Still, the student doesn’t feel ready.
“Please tell me!” he begs the philosopher. “How can I assign proper meaning to a meaningless life? I do not have the confidence yet!”
“You are lost in your life. Why are you lost?” the philosopher replies. “You are lost because you are trying to choose freedom, that is to say, a path on which you are not afraid of being disliked by others and you are not living others’ lives—a path that is yours alone.”
This sentiment resonated with me deeply. If you ever feel like you wrestle with confusion and ambiguity more than most of the people you know (as I feel like I do!), it might be because you’re pursuing a sense of freedom that they’re just not interested in.
Erich Fromm wrote a book entitled, Escape from Freedom, because most people believe they want freedom, but they’re not willing to do what it takes to earn more of it. They actually want to escape from it. Getting lost feels scary. Not being able to explain yourself feels painful. It’s possible that’s what it takes to find freedom.
“When one attempts to choose freedom, it is only natural that one may lose one’s way,” the philosopher says to the student. “At this juncture, Adlerian psychology holds up a ‘guiding star’ as a grand compass pointing to a life of freedom.”
The guiding star the philosopher talks about is through contribution to others. The philosopher describes it this way, “It is through labor that one makes contributions to others and commits to one’s community, and that one truly feels ‘I am of use to someone’ and even comes to accept one’s existential worth.”
You’re not working just for money—you’re working to make a contribution to someone else’s life, to confirm that you belong, and to give yourself a feeling that it’s okay for you to be here.
While that involves work in many scenarios, it might not either. Sometimes—many times!—you might support someone’s psychological state just by existing. Maybe when someone else simply thinks about you, and they feel good, you’ve made your contribution to others. When you send a kind note, help a friend out, or let someone know how you feel, you’re making a contribution.
Whenever you feel lost, look for an opportunity to contribute to others. There’s always a way. As the philosopher consoles the student, he says, “No matter what moments you are living, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of ‘I contribute to others,’ you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like. Whether you’re disliked or not, you pay it no mind and live free.”