If there was a recipe for making sure I don’t sleep well, a high dose of caffeine would be a key ingredient. The first hour is great—then stress, anxiety, and rumination surge, continuing through the night. The advantage is, I won’t stop working. The disadvantage is, I can’t stop or rest, even if I wanted to. Drinking coffee, for me, feels like cutting off the brakes to a car. 

I had considered this observation a hard fact. It was difficult for me to accept, because I really like the taste of coffee and the lift. I avoided it completely.

In the past few years, I’ve maintained a sense of restraint, drinking decaf or matcha lattes when I need extra energy to work, and enjoying the occasional Jasmine milk bubble tea.

One lesson that I’ve learned along the way, when I do drink low caffeine drinks: suffering from stress isn’t mandatory. I didn’t need to give in to my first reactions or impulses. There have been many times when I’ve paused, did something boring, and been able to relax.
It’s part of an overarching lesson: patience opens up new possibilities. The more I have learned to stay with the experience of stress, the more I’ve been able to enjoy small doses of caffeine again.