A few months ago, I read this piece by Kunal Gupta on conditional confidence. He observes that he reached a state of confidence after an event, like a successful outcome or an achivement. For example, one statement would be, “Once I hire people to work with me, then I can feel confident in my business working.” 

The problem is, sometimes these events don’t turn out the way you or I would plan. Depending on external outcomes as a source of confidence felt risky because while you could influence how things turn out, they were often ultimately out of your complete control. 

Even if you did everything you were supposed to, something inexplicable happens—bad luck—and the event doesn’t take place. You are now not only without access to the event and the benefits it would’ve produced, you also don’t get to develop greater confidence.

Kunal puts forward the idea of building a supply of confidence from a more intrinsic source, one based on a longer-term memory of experiences. He writes:

I am subconsciously reminded that the last time I felt this emotion or sensation, even though it was prompted by a completely different circumstance, there is a familiarity to it and deep down I know I am okay, just like last time.

In these moments of difficulty, I tell myself that I have my own back. I am here for myself.

For example, if I feel rejected by someone, be it a romantic interest, a friend, a potential client, or even for a bank loan, I do not reject myself….

This is unconditional confidence. It is available to me, without any limits, only from one source. That source is not outside, but deep down inside, and one that I am learning how to access regularly.

You can also write down your top ten memories of the previous time you felt an emotion or sensation—like rejection, or disappointment, or discouragement, or feeling underestimated.

If you have a tendency to focus on outcomes, shift your focus to the process. That means focusing on your activities and systems, instead of your goals. 

Don’t confuse a foundation of confidence with the external hit of validation, a temporary boost that leaves you feeling on top of the world—but inevitably fades away. Warren Buffett calls a focus on the inner scorecard, writing in The Snowball:

If the world couldn’t see your results, would you rather be thought of as the world’s greatest investor but in reality have the world’s worst record? Or be thought of as the world’s worst investor when you were actually the best?