At the start of each year, some people choose a word or motto intended to be a theme. I’m usually not one of them. However, the word, “Restraint,” came to me last year, so I made that a focus. It has remained the word for this year. While I’d made progress, I felt like there was more to discover.

A few months ago, I wrote a blog post about the importance of saying no to career opportunities. Restraint encourages—actually, it requires—you to say no. Saying no is, however, easier in concept than in execution. I recently came across two interesting books:

The No Book by Tim Ferriss and Neil Strauss. The first three chapters are here: Step 1, Step 2, Step 3. I’ve skimmed through these, and I found their section on, “Behaviors I will no longer accept from myself,” from Step 1 to be particularly interesting. 

F*ck No! by Sarah Knight. I have been skimming around this one as well. Three lessons I’ve already taken away: 

• The other person’s disappointment is an emotional reaction, and not necessarily them actually trying to change your mind or pressure you. I wish I knew this earlier, and I will be keeping it in mind.
• People who are secure in themselves, and actually love you and care about you, won’t sever your relationship because you decline an invitation from them. However they might invite you less often (which is understandable).
• When you say no, less is best. As Sarah writes, “If you don’t give a reason, you don’t have to defend it.”

This feels like the start of a breakthrough. There remains much for me to learn about restraint, and I have a feeling it may remain a focus for the coming year.