Your first steps to changing yourself for the better may be inspired by somebody else in your life. You think you’re changing for them. In actuality, there’s a good chance that the main beneficiary of the change is you.

Let’s say you used to handle conflicts poorly. After a lot of classes and constant practice, you’ve gotten to the point where you don’t raise your voice, blame people, or shut down. While the other people you interact with get to benefit from this new behavior, you also do too. 

You may find that not only do other people reciprocate your good behavior—which leads to better outcomes—but also that you learn to treat yourself with much less anger as well.

When somebody else treats you with anger, you may think it’s unfair that you did all the work to change and they didn’t. That’s one way to see it. 

The other way to see it is with compassion. You’ve learned to drive your anger, while their anger is still driving them. It’s a very difficult place for them to be, and probably one you wouldn’t want to go back to. Being friends with yourself is better than being your own worst enemy.

While I used anger management as an example, this can apply to all sorts of things. Maybe you’re adopting a healthier lifestyle for your family, you see somebody else indulging themselves, and you remember how awful you felt after you ate fast food and how good you feel after eating now. Or you’ve gone sober and you see people partying, and you remember how bad the hangovers used to be. Your friends may have found you more fun when you drank, but they definitely didn’t find you more pleasant during the hangover.

There’s a time for fairness, and a time for compassion.